Zyzzyx Road
I preface this criticism of Hollywood with a short background. The year was 1998, and we were on the annual Arabian family vacation. This particular trip brought us to Southern California, for the first time since I’d been in the second grade. It was a spectacular vacation, we were out west for almost an entire month, we visited my uncle, spent sometime down in San Diego, and, for the first time, made the trip from Los Angeles to Las Vegas.
On our way to Las Vegas, which I will say is quite a boring drive through an empty desert, we saw many interesting sights. Joshua Trees, dirt, rocks, and a lone exit for a road, Zyzzyx Road, disbelievers, I urge you to Google this road, it does indeed exist. As a fourteen year old, I found this to be one of the funniest things I’d ever seen. Can you imagine being the fellow who named this road? He sat there and thought, this will get people to buy my land, if I called it “Zyzzyx Road.”
Where could I possibly be going with this story? I just received my copy of the American Film Market Guide from the Hollywood Reporter, about a month late. I won’t use this forum to complain about their unreliability in receiving their magazine on time, or in one piece, though this may be the fault of the ever reliable United States Postal Service, rain, snow, or shine, I’ll still find a puddle to put your mail in on your front porch.
The American Film Market is a trade show of sorts that brings buyers from around the world, purchasing international distribution rights for films as notable as Soderbergh’s new low-budget outing “Bubble,” and as unknown as the new Tom Sizemore vehicle, Zyzzyx Road, any thriller with a title as great as that, and a tagline like “Dead Ahead,” gets me out of my seat.
As I saw the advertisement for this film, available from Regent Entertainment, I thought to myself, where does an idea like this come from. It was followed by a short bout of depression, why didn’t I have this amazing idea? I looked disapprovingly in the mirror, and the magazine slid from my hands. I played out the scene in my head. I’m a down and out producer, living in LA, scrounging for a chance to prove that I’m the next David O. Selznick. I decide, I need to relax, I’m working too hard. So I hop in my 1987 Datsun (It’s a classic, ignore the rust), and I drive out for a weekend in Vegas. Who knows, maybe that’s where my success story could come from, I take my last few hundreds from under my mattress (Who needs a bank, I sleep 13 hours out of every day so its safe under there) and I leave for Vegas. I’m driving along the empty free way, my mind filled with idle thought, what was the name of the movie with Cher and Bob Hoskins, oh yes, Mermaids, that was a cute movie, wasn’t it? Why is it called Mermaids, were there Mermaids in it? I can’t remember.
I’m speeding along, I’ve got the Psycho soundtrack playing in my tape deck, I’m pretending I’m Janet Leigh, running away having just stolen money from my boss. I look in the review mirror and I realize I’m not blonde, I’m not even a woman. What if I was supposed to be born a woman? Suddenly, the world starts moving in slow motion, and not because of my sudden doubts of my sexuality. A green exit sign is coming towards me, it reads, Zyzzyx Road, next exit. I pull off to the side of the road, a green Jetta beeps their horn angrily, but I don’t care. I’m having an epiphany here!
There is a story on Zyzzyx Road, a story that will haunt my dreams until I can find the right screenwriter, the right director, the right star! Here in the middle of nowhere, there is death on Zyzzyx Road, a story that must make it to the big screen. This is the greatest idea I’ve ever had. I scribble furiously in my Moleskin® notebook. I need a star for this picture…who else but Tom Sizemore, he’s hot now right?
And so it goes, the life of a Hollywood B-movie producer may or may not be something like that, I don’t know, I don’t live in LA, and I certainly had nothing to do with the production of Zyzzyx Road. Take my comments with a grain of salt, I can’t even tell you what this (possibly amazing) motion picture may or may not be about, but I can tell you one thing…it stars Tom Sizemore, and that in itself screams a little thing I like to call “good buzz.”
I’ll see you opening night, you think Tom Sizemore will be there? He can't have anything better to do.
On our way to Las Vegas, which I will say is quite a boring drive through an empty desert, we saw many interesting sights. Joshua Trees, dirt, rocks, and a lone exit for a road, Zyzzyx Road, disbelievers, I urge you to Google this road, it does indeed exist. As a fourteen year old, I found this to be one of the funniest things I’d ever seen. Can you imagine being the fellow who named this road? He sat there and thought, this will get people to buy my land, if I called it “Zyzzyx Road.”
Where could I possibly be going with this story? I just received my copy of the American Film Market Guide from the Hollywood Reporter, about a month late. I won’t use this forum to complain about their unreliability in receiving their magazine on time, or in one piece, though this may be the fault of the ever reliable United States Postal Service, rain, snow, or shine, I’ll still find a puddle to put your mail in on your front porch.
The American Film Market is a trade show of sorts that brings buyers from around the world, purchasing international distribution rights for films as notable as Soderbergh’s new low-budget outing “Bubble,” and as unknown as the new Tom Sizemore vehicle, Zyzzyx Road, any thriller with a title as great as that, and a tagline like “Dead Ahead,” gets me out of my seat.
As I saw the advertisement for this film, available from Regent Entertainment, I thought to myself, where does an idea like this come from. It was followed by a short bout of depression, why didn’t I have this amazing idea? I looked disapprovingly in the mirror, and the magazine slid from my hands. I played out the scene in my head. I’m a down and out producer, living in LA, scrounging for a chance to prove that I’m the next David O. Selznick. I decide, I need to relax, I’m working too hard. So I hop in my 1987 Datsun (It’s a classic, ignore the rust), and I drive out for a weekend in Vegas. Who knows, maybe that’s where my success story could come from, I take my last few hundreds from under my mattress (Who needs a bank, I sleep 13 hours out of every day so its safe under there) and I leave for Vegas. I’m driving along the empty free way, my mind filled with idle thought, what was the name of the movie with Cher and Bob Hoskins, oh yes, Mermaids, that was a cute movie, wasn’t it? Why is it called Mermaids, were there Mermaids in it? I can’t remember.
I’m speeding along, I’ve got the Psycho soundtrack playing in my tape deck, I’m pretending I’m Janet Leigh, running away having just stolen money from my boss. I look in the review mirror and I realize I’m not blonde, I’m not even a woman. What if I was supposed to be born a woman? Suddenly, the world starts moving in slow motion, and not because of my sudden doubts of my sexuality. A green exit sign is coming towards me, it reads, Zyzzyx Road, next exit. I pull off to the side of the road, a green Jetta beeps their horn angrily, but I don’t care. I’m having an epiphany here!
There is a story on Zyzzyx Road, a story that will haunt my dreams until I can find the right screenwriter, the right director, the right star! Here in the middle of nowhere, there is death on Zyzzyx Road, a story that must make it to the big screen. This is the greatest idea I’ve ever had. I scribble furiously in my Moleskin® notebook. I need a star for this picture…who else but Tom Sizemore, he’s hot now right?
And so it goes, the life of a Hollywood B-movie producer may or may not be something like that, I don’t know, I don’t live in LA, and I certainly had nothing to do with the production of Zyzzyx Road. Take my comments with a grain of salt, I can’t even tell you what this (possibly amazing) motion picture may or may not be about, but I can tell you one thing…it stars Tom Sizemore, and that in itself screams a little thing I like to call “good buzz.”
I’ll see you opening night, you think Tom Sizemore will be there? He can't have anything better to do.
posted by Vatche @ 8:40 PM
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